Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Open your eyes

My phone is on the other side of my room. Vibrating. The LED light is flashing and has been for quite some time. I am sick of people. I am sick of everyone. Even people that didn't do anything. I can really only stand to talk to a few people and even then, I don't say much because I get so irritated with talking in general. I don't know what is going on with me lately. Maybe I have just had enough. Enough of what? I don't know. But I have had enough.

I had my phone on silent for 90% of the day. The only phone I was answering was my work phone for obvious reasons. I went on a route today around Church Hill, Sandston, New Kent and Charles City. It was interesting. It was about a 4 hour route and wasn't bad at all. I got a call a few minutes ago from Dispatch, letting me know it may be possible we will have a North Carolina run tonight. Lisa, another co worker, agreed to do it but didn't want to do it alone. Naturally, I volunteered my company. Trying to get my boss to love me isn't that hard. I just want him to respect me and give me the tools to make the money I need.

On a side note, I have decided on the surgeon I am going to use. All together it is going to cost me roughly $11,000. That covers everything as far as surgery and hospital stay etc etc. From what I understand, he writes lots of wonderful letters for the guys he does the surgery for to help them get their gender marker changed. I know there are a lot of laws in the Commonwealth of VA, but from what I understand, he can make it happen. We shall see. I will be starting a surgery fund. Trying to get at the very least $1000 saved every month. If I can work like crazy til the end of the year, I can have surgery in January and be healed for summer. I really just can't take this shit anymore. I want to be normal. Have a normal mans chest. And just fucking be happy. I am losing weight, which is good. I am eating really well and so proud of myself for that. Along with working hard to save money, I am planning on losing at least 60lbs by December. I can do it. I know I can.

It is about midnight. And I haven't received the call to go to North Carolina. I am PRAYING that means it is a no-go. I will still have to fall asleep with it beside my head though so I can hear it.

Until next time.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Everything turns to callous eventually, that's life.

I like my new job. I really do. Granted, it has me running all around Virginia and sometimes North Carolina allllllllllllll the time, I enjoy it. I enjoy driving and basically "running errands" for people. Or our customers, rather. It keeps me busy during the week. I like that.

I am also passing. There has been no question about my sex since I have started there. The first day I was "the new guy," to everyone. And I am treated like a man. I love it. It is the first time that has ever happened without question. However, there is a big lesbian that works at one of the places we go to frequently. I had to take over some specimens to her one night and she turned and looked at me like she was confused and couldn't figure out what I was exactly. I didn't like that. I knew she would be that way every time I had to bring the specimens to her and she has. She goes out of her way to like look at me so she can figure out what I am. I really want to get shitty with her and tell her to go the fuck on. I can't be outed at this job because if I am, I will have to leave. I have gotten too close to the men that I work with as a man, that them finding out I am female bodied would just ruin everything. Sigh. Whyyy do things have to be difficult?

Other then that, everyone I have met at this job has been really nice. Really wonderful about helping me learn. I will be making great money, which I am excited about. And I really everywhere. There sin't much else that I do. Talk about a dream job, since I love to drive lol.

I had other things to talk about but forgot them because I just woke up lol. I shall update soon.

Until next time.

Monday, June 14, 2010

I am scared to die

I was watching some show on the tube about people having OCDs about shit and it got me thinking. I don't really have any OCDs that I know of. Not like the people I saw. They were concerned with their thoughts hurting or "hexing," people, concerned about being clean, perfectly symmetrical, scared to get HIV, etc etc. The list goes on and on. I guess it just baffles me as to how people develop OCDs. I really never understood it and maybe it is because I don't have one. I think my only OCD is correcting people when they don't make sense. Although, I don't think the grammar OCD counts because I am not psychotic about it, I just have a bad habit of doing it.

I don't know what I am really writing about. I just wanted to ramble about people with OCDs because it was interesting to me. So yes, I just wasted my and your time. Fail.

Until next time (when a better topic comes to mind)

Saturday, June 12, 2010

And when no one is at fault..

I can't stop thinking. I am annoyed and irritated at every little thing right now. The player story is going to have to wait because I honestly have to vent before I fucking explode.

I hate myself right now. I am trying so hard not to but I really cannot stand me. I am not happy with who I am right now. I am disgusted at the sight of myself. I am disgusted at my habits. My love for alcohol is strictly platonic. I don't see anything coming from it, I just enjoy it. And it enjoys making me fucking fat. I am trying to lose weight. I keep trying to diet and eat smaller portions 6 times a day. Drinking more water than anything else. Nothing seems to be working. I have never been this fucking fat. I am working out, and I am going to start running tomorrow. And swimming at Staceys house as much as possible. But it is just not enough.

On top of that, I have maybe a handful of positive people in my life right now. Everyone is going through something and is dealing with shit in their life. Everyone is looking to ME to fix it. Or looking to ME to help/give advice. But..but what about me? All of my pathetic life, I have wasted countless hours helping other people. Friends, family, etc. I am ALWAYS there for everyone. Then when I need someone to be there for me, everyone is too wrapped up in their own shitty lives to be there for me. I don't respond to more than half of the text messages I get. I don't call anyone back. Why? Because for is ME that is dealing with shit. It is ME that is having a hard time. So no, I am not going to call my mother back when she leaves me a voicemail bitching about something fucking stupid. And no, I am not going to call my friend from North Carolina back because he is ONLY calling to whine about how he hates his life without his girlfriend and can't stand being in the Marines. No. I won't do it. Everyone has shit they are going through, that is LIFE. I know it is. However, did it ever cross ANYONES mind that maybe just MAYBE I was going through some shit too? No. It never did.

I am always so good to the people in my life. Always. And now I am getting to the point where I am fucking sick of negative people. I am fucking sick of people downing me. I am fucking sick of it. SICK OF IT. I'm going to clean house here soon. And I am getting rid of the people that are fucking negative. I can't stand it. I'm done.

SN:I have a headache. And I am done whining for the night. I am glad I got it all out.

Until next time.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Beast of the burden

I think I am finished talking about the girl and the man for right now. It hurts to stir up memories like that, but it helped to get out what I did. I'll move on to the next story of the players life.

Until next time.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Have you ever wondered? continued

It seems as thought we want what we can't have. Like that lyric, "It's your typical thing, you got yin you want yang, it just goes on and on. They say its only human to never be satisfied." I am just wondering if maybe the girl didn't want to get rid of the man because she wanted him around. Maybe she wanted the player and the man around because they both had something she wanted. Humans are never satisfied and everything is never enough. So maybe that is what it is?

But the player is an understanding man. He made sure the girl knew that no matter what, he would be there for her and understand what ever she needed. You see, all the years in the game, the player learned how to be anything he needed to be. He learned how to feel, how to stop feeling, how to understand. Everything he learned from being a player, helped him later on in his life and his relationships. When he realized that the girl wasn't a game, he learned how to love unconditionally. He learned how to put another persons feelings before his own. Not a lot of people can do that or can say they know how to do that. He wasn't selfish. Maybe selfish for her, but that isn't something he could do anything about.

While the player coped alone and taught himself how to deal with her being just his friend, he lost a piece of his sanity. He found he would be thinking so much that he could come up with reasons why he hated her. That was as untrue as the grass was blue. The only thing at that point that would make everything better in his life was to get over her.

And so he did.

Although that seems hard to believe, it is what he had to do. Learning how to do anything he needed to came in handy. He taught himself to let go. He had never let go of anyone that had meant that much to him. But really, no one had ever meant that much to him. He decided that it would be better to have the girl in his life as a friend instead of losing her forever. He couldn't risk that.

The player only allows the girl to exist, romantically, in his mind. He humors himself at the thought. He hopes one day she would change her mind. But he also knows that it wouldn't matter if she changed her mind at this point. The player realized that in life, you sometimes have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Until next time.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Have you ever wondered?

I think too much. This blogging thing helps me get it out because I tend to dwell on things that happened in the past. By getting them off my chest, it kind of takes the edge off.

So the player getting played story is going to be a running topic for a little while. Bare with me. I have a lot of animosity towards it and I just can't get it out fast enough.

After the player dusted himself off and went on with his life, he began to wonder what went wrong. He didn't know if it was him or if it was just his luck. In all reality, the player didn't believe in "luck." You make your own luck, good and bad. Nonetheless, the player still thought of how he could improve. Maybe it was his personality. Maybe he was too needy. Or maybe he gave too much. Maybe. The player didn't want it to be this way. Not without her. The girl had become everything to him and he just couldn't let it go. He couldn't let the girl go.

He wrote about it. Poems, songs, etc. But no matter how hard he tried, masking the pain of what happened with the two of them was impossible. "I am worth more. I am better than this," he thought. It didn't matter.

Have you ever felt so much love for someone that you felt you would do anything? No matter what the situation is or how things turn out, you are in it until the end? The kind of love that is balls to the wall and feels so exhilarating that nothing can stop you. Happy or sad, you would still endure anything and do anything for that person.

This is how the player felt towards the girl. He would jump in front of a bullet for her. Give his life to spare hers. The player thought the girl could do no wrong. Even after she had wronged him on more than one occasion. He shouldn't have held on. I don't think that was his fault though. He fell for her so hard that, when he hit the ground, the wind was knocked out of him. He had hoped she was there to break his fall, but she was with the man. Why? Because he offered a blanket of security that the player did not possess. The player could love the girl. He could give her his heart and his faith. He could give her everything in his heart but that wasn't what she needed. In this situation, love was the minuscule piece in the puzzle that stretched for miles.

So he ran. He ran from his feelings, his friends, his family and his life as he knew it. He didn't have any other choice. The constant agony of knowing he wasn't good enough for her would cut pieces out of him, slowly and painfully. All he wanted was for her to love him back. It doesn't seem so hard, but for her it was. The girl loved the player, but not the way the player needed. She just couldn't. It wasn't available. He hated himself for that. He hated that he allowed her to cheat on the man. He hated that the man was in the picture though. Maybe that was a small factor in this situation, but it was just another piece getting in the way. The player couldn't be the man and the man couldn't be the player.

Until next time.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Lower than yo mamas ever seen it in her lifetime

I am listening to Ludacris - How Low. This song is mildly ridiculous and I have no idea why I am listening to it. I have just been thinking about a lot of things lately that were "serious," so I wanted to find a way to get serious shit off of my mind.

I am going to my parents this weekend (possibly leaving tonight) to do yard work and inside work. I do not want to go, I cannot stress that enough. I understand they need my help and for them taking care of my bills it is the least I could do for them. I have never been in this situation, so it is irritating me that I can't take care of myself right now. I hate running back to mommy and daddy. But I guess it's whatever, that is one of the things they are there for. Well, that's what people tell me anyway. I don't know. I guess I wouldn't understand until I had kids. At the rate I am going, I don't want them. I can't imagine being in this type of situation and having children. Not at all.

In other news, the player got played. Explanation? I can certainly grant you that. Story time!

The player fell for a girl. She was positively amazing. But she couldn't be with the player because of all the baggage she carried. She told the player that "in time things would be different," and promised the player it would be okay one day. The player gave his life to her. He stopped his games. He stopped his escapades. He was completely all for her. He was even honest enough to tell her about his past and how he used to be, not forgetting the part about being different now because of her. He wrote to her all kinds of poetry and prose. The player fell in love with this beautiful soul. But the friendship they set on fire, was starting to burn out. Somehow dirt from the skeletons in the girls closet started to suffocate the fire. The player couldn't believe he was feeling the way he was, so he would try to confront the girl. He may as well have tried to stab her in the chest. She did not react well to the player and his questioning. That made him believe she was hiding something. The player had been honest to her and he couldn't help but believe that she was being dishonest. Tisk tisk he thought.

Then one day, driving to the store, the player would pass the girls house every time he went to the store. The player asked the girl what she was doing. The girl told him what she was doing and then volunteered who she was with, but was dishonest. Once the player read that, his mind was set at ease. With a sly smile, he turned to his right to look at her house. The feeling of happiness that the girl was content started pulsing through the players veins. As quickly as it came, it went. The player saw that in the girls efforts to protect him, she just broke his heart. The girl was, indeed, dishonest. The girl had the man over. The man she said wasn't there. The man that wasn't supposed to be there. The girl was being unfaithful and lied to the player about it.

You would think this would be karma, on the players part. But no. The player never did anything like that to the girls he played. It never got to a "love" or "in love" stage with the girls he played. Just harmless "like" and that was it. But the player fell in love with the girl and she was playing him. The player couldn't breathe. He sat in his vehicle at a stop light with pursed lips and a tight chest. Why? What did the player do so wrong to the girl that she felt she needed to lie? They say the worst part about being lied to is knowing you weren't worth the truth. The player felt that the girl was worth the truth, so he always gave it to her. But in the moment that he saw he was deceived, his walls came up and he never again trusted a word she said. Their conversations were meaningless to him. Her words were even less to him. Everything she spit from her lips just came out in balls of confusion.

The player didn't have the strength to stay or the courage to move on. He was stuck in limbo with a girl he knew he couldn't have. He didn't feel like she really loved him anyhow. Not the way he needed, that is. He realized that she never could. So the player gave up. After a year of trying, blood, sweat, and tears he just...gave up. The girl didn't care and the player was sure that it was something he did wrong. But the player knew better than that. He had given her everything he had inside of him and she just pushed it aside. No girl is worth that. Ever.

So the player got up, dusted himself off, and kept moving on. Life goes on. It was dark in the hallway to the next open door, but the player knew that the door behind him was closed and now it was time to find another door that is open.

Life. Goes. On.

Until next time.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Where there is a will, there is a way

So I recently acquired P90X. I was told it really worked and that if you stick to it, you can turn into a sexy muscle machine. Well, that made me want to do it lol. Testosterone is pumping. I have my workout clothes on. My sweet work out shoes. And I start it. Man. I didn't expect it to kick my ass the way it did. It kicked my ass all up and down my room from floor to ceiling. It is an hour workout. I did 20 minutes and thought I was going to die. I couldn't breathe right and I was sweating like a mofo. I laid down and tried to catch my breath and regain my composure and then it hit me. This. Feels. Amazing.

I love the burn when working out. I love how it feels to push yourself to get that extra rep in or that extra pull up or sit up. It feels so amazing. It hurts. And I am DEF going to feel it in the morning, but I see this being something I can stick to. I enjoyed the workout and I will be doing the rest of it later on. I think I can I think I can. My mom and sister have been doing it for almost a month now and they STILL can't do an entire hour at once. It is that rigorous. It is all about muscle confusion though. It makes sense. Doing the same workout everyday for a month will get you used to that workout which makes you plateau. But if you do different workouts everyday for a month, there is no way to reach a plateau because your body will be all sorts of confused. I need to do this though. In order for me to get a higher dose of testosterone to at LEAST get to maintenance, I have to lose weight and be in shape. Plus, when the higher dose comes, I don't want all the fat to shift to my gut. That is what happens when you get on higher doses. If I don't have a lot of fat, I will just get leaner. My health is just a concern I have thrown out the window the past few years and I am working on it.

Working in it means I NEED to stop smoking. I NEED to stop drinking. Eating better, exercising more, being more active, etc. The list goes on and on. I just need to be better. You only live once, right? Well, I want to be ripped. Everyone keeps telling me they don't want me to lose weight because my chubbiness is "cute," but I do not agree. I am self conscious and I hate it. I may not act like I am, but I cannot stand my body. For one, I have not had chest surgery yet so the chesticles make it 10 times harder. And from what I have learned in the past when losing weight, you lose the weight first and foremost from your chesticles and arse. I can only hope. I want it all to blend in when I go out in public and I do not want anyone to think I am anything but a man. Oh wouldn't that be the day? *Sigh* A guy can dream, right?

I'm blah blah blahing again. I don't know when I will talk about anything deep. Maybe when I stop being so hard on myself for what I am writing and critiquing everything. We will see. Maybe tonight. Maybe not. Until next time.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Drunk and rambling

I find it amusing that I am falling a victim to all of this social networking stuff. I normally just stick with a few websites like Myspace and Facebook and that is it. But when Facebook got better than Myspace, I stopped playing with Myspace which left me only one site to actually play on. Then I remembered my Twitter account and started tweeting again. Then I thought about blogging. I don't know that people actually care about what I write but I don't think I would care either way. It must be that need to just have people all up in my "biddniss." It can only get worse from here. And downhill it goes.

I've slightly lost touch of everything over the past few months. I don't talk to people as much as I used to and I am more of a hermit now than I have ever been. Not saying that I don't enjoy it, because I do. But my humble abode reeks of loneliness and self loathing. Woe is me. Woe is me. I don't really feel that way, but when I get in a slump I get in a slump. Maybe that is why I am starting to write and get on twitter and be more active in my social life. I need some kind of outlet. I want to write and whine about my life and all the shit that is wrong with it because I would never do that in "real life," as one would call it.

It's great that I have such wonderful people that I live with. Such wonderful friends. People that understand me. I know that if it wasn't for them I would have exploded already. I probably should explode one of these days. In all actuality, it is just a matter of time. To be honest, I am not who I used to be. I have changed a lot. I don't pin the blame on the testosterone. I pin the blame on being human and changing as the years go on. People tell me I am different now, but maybe I am just not the same as I used to be. It doesn't mean I am different, just that I am not taking the shit I used to. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and now its under my long sleeve shirt. I used to be emotional with everything. I guess that comes with wearing my heart on my sleeve? Either way. I am nowhere even close to the emotional I used to be. I have learned what happens when you are that way.

I always talk about blame and credit. I "blame" myself a lot. And I give "credit" to a lot of people. But its just so I can figure out situations on my own. I have had to do that a lot lately. Gotta love being an adult, ha. Sure I can go to people, but I would rather not. My situations now are more complex than they have ever been and it is just exhausting to explain them to other people.

I realize that I am rambling and I am drunk, which means I probably shouldn't be writing. This entry was a LOT longer but I deleted it because it irritated me. I am sure that is just the inebriated part of my brain kicking in. So Ill go have a smoke and watch some cartoons until my drunk ass passes out. Until next time. *bows*