Saturday, June 12, 2010

And when no one is at fault..

I can't stop thinking. I am annoyed and irritated at every little thing right now. The player story is going to have to wait because I honestly have to vent before I fucking explode.

I hate myself right now. I am trying so hard not to but I really cannot stand me. I am not happy with who I am right now. I am disgusted at the sight of myself. I am disgusted at my habits. My love for alcohol is strictly platonic. I don't see anything coming from it, I just enjoy it. And it enjoys making me fucking fat. I am trying to lose weight. I keep trying to diet and eat smaller portions 6 times a day. Drinking more water than anything else. Nothing seems to be working. I have never been this fucking fat. I am working out, and I am going to start running tomorrow. And swimming at Staceys house as much as possible. But it is just not enough.

On top of that, I have maybe a handful of positive people in my life right now. Everyone is going through something and is dealing with shit in their life. Everyone is looking to ME to fix it. Or looking to ME to help/give advice. But..but what about me? All of my pathetic life, I have wasted countless hours helping other people. Friends, family, etc. I am ALWAYS there for everyone. Then when I need someone to be there for me, everyone is too wrapped up in their own shitty lives to be there for me. I don't respond to more than half of the text messages I get. I don't call anyone back. Why? Because for is ME that is dealing with shit. It is ME that is having a hard time. So no, I am not going to call my mother back when she leaves me a voicemail bitching about something fucking stupid. And no, I am not going to call my friend from North Carolina back because he is ONLY calling to whine about how he hates his life without his girlfriend and can't stand being in the Marines. No. I won't do it. Everyone has shit they are going through, that is LIFE. I know it is. However, did it ever cross ANYONES mind that maybe just MAYBE I was going through some shit too? No. It never did.

I am always so good to the people in my life. Always. And now I am getting to the point where I am fucking sick of negative people. I am fucking sick of people downing me. I am fucking sick of it. SICK OF IT. I'm going to clean house here soon. And I am getting rid of the people that are fucking negative. I can't stand it. I'm done.

SN:I have a headache. And I am done whining for the night. I am glad I got it all out.

Until next time.

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