Thursday, May 27, 2010

Have you ever wondered? continued

It seems as thought we want what we can't have. Like that lyric, "It's your typical thing, you got yin you want yang, it just goes on and on. They say its only human to never be satisfied." I am just wondering if maybe the girl didn't want to get rid of the man because she wanted him around. Maybe she wanted the player and the man around because they both had something she wanted. Humans are never satisfied and everything is never enough. So maybe that is what it is?

But the player is an understanding man. He made sure the girl knew that no matter what, he would be there for her and understand what ever she needed. You see, all the years in the game, the player learned how to be anything he needed to be. He learned how to feel, how to stop feeling, how to understand. Everything he learned from being a player, helped him later on in his life and his relationships. When he realized that the girl wasn't a game, he learned how to love unconditionally. He learned how to put another persons feelings before his own. Not a lot of people can do that or can say they know how to do that. He wasn't selfish. Maybe selfish for her, but that isn't something he could do anything about.

While the player coped alone and taught himself how to deal with her being just his friend, he lost a piece of his sanity. He found he would be thinking so much that he could come up with reasons why he hated her. That was as untrue as the grass was blue. The only thing at that point that would make everything better in his life was to get over her.

And so he did.

Although that seems hard to believe, it is what he had to do. Learning how to do anything he needed to came in handy. He taught himself to let go. He had never let go of anyone that had meant that much to him. But really, no one had ever meant that much to him. He decided that it would be better to have the girl in his life as a friend instead of losing her forever. He couldn't risk that.

The player only allows the girl to exist, romantically, in his mind. He humors himself at the thought. He hopes one day she would change her mind. But he also knows that it wouldn't matter if she changed her mind at this point. The player realized that in life, you sometimes have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Until next time.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Have you ever wondered?

I think too much. This blogging thing helps me get it out because I tend to dwell on things that happened in the past. By getting them off my chest, it kind of takes the edge off.

So the player getting played story is going to be a running topic for a little while. Bare with me. I have a lot of animosity towards it and I just can't get it out fast enough.

After the player dusted himself off and went on with his life, he began to wonder what went wrong. He didn't know if it was him or if it was just his luck. In all reality, the player didn't believe in "luck." You make your own luck, good and bad. Nonetheless, the player still thought of how he could improve. Maybe it was his personality. Maybe he was too needy. Or maybe he gave too much. Maybe. The player didn't want it to be this way. Not without her. The girl had become everything to him and he just couldn't let it go. He couldn't let the girl go.

He wrote about it. Poems, songs, etc. But no matter how hard he tried, masking the pain of what happened with the two of them was impossible. "I am worth more. I am better than this," he thought. It didn't matter.

Have you ever felt so much love for someone that you felt you would do anything? No matter what the situation is or how things turn out, you are in it until the end? The kind of love that is balls to the wall and feels so exhilarating that nothing can stop you. Happy or sad, you would still endure anything and do anything for that person.

This is how the player felt towards the girl. He would jump in front of a bullet for her. Give his life to spare hers. The player thought the girl could do no wrong. Even after she had wronged him on more than one occasion. He shouldn't have held on. I don't think that was his fault though. He fell for her so hard that, when he hit the ground, the wind was knocked out of him. He had hoped she was there to break his fall, but she was with the man. Why? Because he offered a blanket of security that the player did not possess. The player could love the girl. He could give her his heart and his faith. He could give her everything in his heart but that wasn't what she needed. In this situation, love was the minuscule piece in the puzzle that stretched for miles.

So he ran. He ran from his feelings, his friends, his family and his life as he knew it. He didn't have any other choice. The constant agony of knowing he wasn't good enough for her would cut pieces out of him, slowly and painfully. All he wanted was for her to love him back. It doesn't seem so hard, but for her it was. The girl loved the player, but not the way the player needed. She just couldn't. It wasn't available. He hated himself for that. He hated that he allowed her to cheat on the man. He hated that the man was in the picture though. Maybe that was a small factor in this situation, but it was just another piece getting in the way. The player couldn't be the man and the man couldn't be the player.

Until next time.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Lower than yo mamas ever seen it in her lifetime

I am listening to Ludacris - How Low. This song is mildly ridiculous and I have no idea why I am listening to it. I have just been thinking about a lot of things lately that were "serious," so I wanted to find a way to get serious shit off of my mind.

I am going to my parents this weekend (possibly leaving tonight) to do yard work and inside work. I do not want to go, I cannot stress that enough. I understand they need my help and for them taking care of my bills it is the least I could do for them. I have never been in this situation, so it is irritating me that I can't take care of myself right now. I hate running back to mommy and daddy. But I guess it's whatever, that is one of the things they are there for. Well, that's what people tell me anyway. I don't know. I guess I wouldn't understand until I had kids. At the rate I am going, I don't want them. I can't imagine being in this type of situation and having children. Not at all.

In other news, the player got played. Explanation? I can certainly grant you that. Story time!

The player fell for a girl. She was positively amazing. But she couldn't be with the player because of all the baggage she carried. She told the player that "in time things would be different," and promised the player it would be okay one day. The player gave his life to her. He stopped his games. He stopped his escapades. He was completely all for her. He was even honest enough to tell her about his past and how he used to be, not forgetting the part about being different now because of her. He wrote to her all kinds of poetry and prose. The player fell in love with this beautiful soul. But the friendship they set on fire, was starting to burn out. Somehow dirt from the skeletons in the girls closet started to suffocate the fire. The player couldn't believe he was feeling the way he was, so he would try to confront the girl. He may as well have tried to stab her in the chest. She did not react well to the player and his questioning. That made him believe she was hiding something. The player had been honest to her and he couldn't help but believe that she was being dishonest. Tisk tisk he thought.

Then one day, driving to the store, the player would pass the girls house every time he went to the store. The player asked the girl what she was doing. The girl told him what she was doing and then volunteered who she was with, but was dishonest. Once the player read that, his mind was set at ease. With a sly smile, he turned to his right to look at her house. The feeling of happiness that the girl was content started pulsing through the players veins. As quickly as it came, it went. The player saw that in the girls efforts to protect him, she just broke his heart. The girl was, indeed, dishonest. The girl had the man over. The man she said wasn't there. The man that wasn't supposed to be there. The girl was being unfaithful and lied to the player about it.

You would think this would be karma, on the players part. But no. The player never did anything like that to the girls he played. It never got to a "love" or "in love" stage with the girls he played. Just harmless "like" and that was it. But the player fell in love with the girl and she was playing him. The player couldn't breathe. He sat in his vehicle at a stop light with pursed lips and a tight chest. Why? What did the player do so wrong to the girl that she felt she needed to lie? They say the worst part about being lied to is knowing you weren't worth the truth. The player felt that the girl was worth the truth, so he always gave it to her. But in the moment that he saw he was deceived, his walls came up and he never again trusted a word she said. Their conversations were meaningless to him. Her words were even less to him. Everything she spit from her lips just came out in balls of confusion.

The player didn't have the strength to stay or the courage to move on. He was stuck in limbo with a girl he knew he couldn't have. He didn't feel like she really loved him anyhow. Not the way he needed, that is. He realized that she never could. So the player gave up. After a year of trying, blood, sweat, and tears he just...gave up. The girl didn't care and the player was sure that it was something he did wrong. But the player knew better than that. He had given her everything he had inside of him and she just pushed it aside. No girl is worth that. Ever.

So the player got up, dusted himself off, and kept moving on. Life goes on. It was dark in the hallway to the next open door, but the player knew that the door behind him was closed and now it was time to find another door that is open.

Life. Goes. On.

Until next time.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Where there is a will, there is a way

So I recently acquired P90X. I was told it really worked and that if you stick to it, you can turn into a sexy muscle machine. Well, that made me want to do it lol. Testosterone is pumping. I have my workout clothes on. My sweet work out shoes. And I start it. Man. I didn't expect it to kick my ass the way it did. It kicked my ass all up and down my room from floor to ceiling. It is an hour workout. I did 20 minutes and thought I was going to die. I couldn't breathe right and I was sweating like a mofo. I laid down and tried to catch my breath and regain my composure and then it hit me. This. Feels. Amazing.

I love the burn when working out. I love how it feels to push yourself to get that extra rep in or that extra pull up or sit up. It feels so amazing. It hurts. And I am DEF going to feel it in the morning, but I see this being something I can stick to. I enjoyed the workout and I will be doing the rest of it later on. I think I can I think I can. My mom and sister have been doing it for almost a month now and they STILL can't do an entire hour at once. It is that rigorous. It is all about muscle confusion though. It makes sense. Doing the same workout everyday for a month will get you used to that workout which makes you plateau. But if you do different workouts everyday for a month, there is no way to reach a plateau because your body will be all sorts of confused. I need to do this though. In order for me to get a higher dose of testosterone to at LEAST get to maintenance, I have to lose weight and be in shape. Plus, when the higher dose comes, I don't want all the fat to shift to my gut. That is what happens when you get on higher doses. If I don't have a lot of fat, I will just get leaner. My health is just a concern I have thrown out the window the past few years and I am working on it.

Working in it means I NEED to stop smoking. I NEED to stop drinking. Eating better, exercising more, being more active, etc. The list goes on and on. I just need to be better. You only live once, right? Well, I want to be ripped. Everyone keeps telling me they don't want me to lose weight because my chubbiness is "cute," but I do not agree. I am self conscious and I hate it. I may not act like I am, but I cannot stand my body. For one, I have not had chest surgery yet so the chesticles make it 10 times harder. And from what I have learned in the past when losing weight, you lose the weight first and foremost from your chesticles and arse. I can only hope. I want it all to blend in when I go out in public and I do not want anyone to think I am anything but a man. Oh wouldn't that be the day? *Sigh* A guy can dream, right?

I'm blah blah blahing again. I don't know when I will talk about anything deep. Maybe when I stop being so hard on myself for what I am writing and critiquing everything. We will see. Maybe tonight. Maybe not. Until next time.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Drunk and rambling

I find it amusing that I am falling a victim to all of this social networking stuff. I normally just stick with a few websites like Myspace and Facebook and that is it. But when Facebook got better than Myspace, I stopped playing with Myspace which left me only one site to actually play on. Then I remembered my Twitter account and started tweeting again. Then I thought about blogging. I don't know that people actually care about what I write but I don't think I would care either way. It must be that need to just have people all up in my "biddniss." It can only get worse from here. And downhill it goes.

I've slightly lost touch of everything over the past few months. I don't talk to people as much as I used to and I am more of a hermit now than I have ever been. Not saying that I don't enjoy it, because I do. But my humble abode reeks of loneliness and self loathing. Woe is me. Woe is me. I don't really feel that way, but when I get in a slump I get in a slump. Maybe that is why I am starting to write and get on twitter and be more active in my social life. I need some kind of outlet. I want to write and whine about my life and all the shit that is wrong with it because I would never do that in "real life," as one would call it.

It's great that I have such wonderful people that I live with. Such wonderful friends. People that understand me. I know that if it wasn't for them I would have exploded already. I probably should explode one of these days. In all actuality, it is just a matter of time. To be honest, I am not who I used to be. I have changed a lot. I don't pin the blame on the testosterone. I pin the blame on being human and changing as the years go on. People tell me I am different now, but maybe I am just not the same as I used to be. It doesn't mean I am different, just that I am not taking the shit I used to. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and now its under my long sleeve shirt. I used to be emotional with everything. I guess that comes with wearing my heart on my sleeve? Either way. I am nowhere even close to the emotional I used to be. I have learned what happens when you are that way.

I always talk about blame and credit. I "blame" myself a lot. And I give "credit" to a lot of people. But its just so I can figure out situations on my own. I have had to do that a lot lately. Gotta love being an adult, ha. Sure I can go to people, but I would rather not. My situations now are more complex than they have ever been and it is just exhausting to explain them to other people.

I realize that I am rambling and I am drunk, which means I probably shouldn't be writing. This entry was a LOT longer but I deleted it because it irritated me. I am sure that is just the inebriated part of my brain kicking in. So Ill go have a smoke and watch some cartoons until my drunk ass passes out. Until next time. *bows*