Thursday, May 20, 2010

Lower than yo mamas ever seen it in her lifetime

I am listening to Ludacris - How Low. This song is mildly ridiculous and I have no idea why I am listening to it. I have just been thinking about a lot of things lately that were "serious," so I wanted to find a way to get serious shit off of my mind.

I am going to my parents this weekend (possibly leaving tonight) to do yard work and inside work. I do not want to go, I cannot stress that enough. I understand they need my help and for them taking care of my bills it is the least I could do for them. I have never been in this situation, so it is irritating me that I can't take care of myself right now. I hate running back to mommy and daddy. But I guess it's whatever, that is one of the things they are there for. Well, that's what people tell me anyway. I don't know. I guess I wouldn't understand until I had kids. At the rate I am going, I don't want them. I can't imagine being in this type of situation and having children. Not at all.

In other news, the player got played. Explanation? I can certainly grant you that. Story time!

The player fell for a girl. She was positively amazing. But she couldn't be with the player because of all the baggage she carried. She told the player that "in time things would be different," and promised the player it would be okay one day. The player gave his life to her. He stopped his games. He stopped his escapades. He was completely all for her. He was even honest enough to tell her about his past and how he used to be, not forgetting the part about being different now because of her. He wrote to her all kinds of poetry and prose. The player fell in love with this beautiful soul. But the friendship they set on fire, was starting to burn out. Somehow dirt from the skeletons in the girls closet started to suffocate the fire. The player couldn't believe he was feeling the way he was, so he would try to confront the girl. He may as well have tried to stab her in the chest. She did not react well to the player and his questioning. That made him believe she was hiding something. The player had been honest to her and he couldn't help but believe that she was being dishonest. Tisk tisk he thought.

Then one day, driving to the store, the player would pass the girls house every time he went to the store. The player asked the girl what she was doing. The girl told him what she was doing and then volunteered who she was with, but was dishonest. Once the player read that, his mind was set at ease. With a sly smile, he turned to his right to look at her house. The feeling of happiness that the girl was content started pulsing through the players veins. As quickly as it came, it went. The player saw that in the girls efforts to protect him, she just broke his heart. The girl was, indeed, dishonest. The girl had the man over. The man she said wasn't there. The man that wasn't supposed to be there. The girl was being unfaithful and lied to the player about it.

You would think this would be karma, on the players part. But no. The player never did anything like that to the girls he played. It never got to a "love" or "in love" stage with the girls he played. Just harmless "like" and that was it. But the player fell in love with the girl and she was playing him. The player couldn't breathe. He sat in his vehicle at a stop light with pursed lips and a tight chest. Why? What did the player do so wrong to the girl that she felt she needed to lie? They say the worst part about being lied to is knowing you weren't worth the truth. The player felt that the girl was worth the truth, so he always gave it to her. But in the moment that he saw he was deceived, his walls came up and he never again trusted a word she said. Their conversations were meaningless to him. Her words were even less to him. Everything she spit from her lips just came out in balls of confusion.

The player didn't have the strength to stay or the courage to move on. He was stuck in limbo with a girl he knew he couldn't have. He didn't feel like she really loved him anyhow. Not the way he needed, that is. He realized that she never could. So the player gave up. After a year of trying, blood, sweat, and tears he just...gave up. The girl didn't care and the player was sure that it was something he did wrong. But the player knew better than that. He had given her everything he had inside of him and she just pushed it aside. No girl is worth that. Ever.

So the player got up, dusted himself off, and kept moving on. Life goes on. It was dark in the hallway to the next open door, but the player knew that the door behind him was closed and now it was time to find another door that is open.

Life. Goes. On.

Until next time.

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